the lottery

Sitting here on a crisp winter morning in New Jersey, I’m struck by how lucky I am. Not win-the-lottery-lucky, or maybe it is, but certainly not in the traditional sense wherein dirty green paper is piling up in some magical bank vault. No, this is that moment of gratitude that comes with knowing I can turn a knob and get hot water to shower down upon me and set my bones at ease. This is the moment when I realize that we live in a difficult world, and no matter the circumstances, I am granted a gift of perception that allows me to find joy despite my circumstances and not because of them. Joy in the little things, like fresh warm bread, Amish churned butter, and cherry jam (my personal favorite - honey being a close second when jam is scarce). I bring all this up not because I’m having a Pollyanna day but because I’m not. Today I have a host of worries, which is such a time suck. I don’t have a windfall, steady income, or 401k plan, but here’s what I do have – my red Helvetica pencil (another favorite), gobs of paper, and a thought, an idea, the beginnings of a journey into a new book. 

In my big box of gratitude, I am about to release the first installment of a book series that came to me in a dream in 2009. That’s a long road to get to where I am. Sometimes, that magical overnight appearance of something is actually fifteen years of wandering through the dark forest. To be honest, the dark forest and the time I get to spend in it are my favorite things, even more than beautiful red pencils or bread, butter, and cherry jam. 

So let me tell you about what’s magically appearing as if overnight. The book series about to be unearthed begins with the middle book. I like starting in the middle. It’s about a girl named Ilona Plume who is as confused about life as I have felt some days. Disappointed by what’s happened and not trusting what’s to come, she ends up meeting all of it head-on, whether she likes it or not. Illona runs up against a formidable foe who does not fear death and wishes it upon everything that lives. But he is nothing compared with the real challenge. Illona’s real gauntlet is her head, her doubts, and the darkness within.   

In my life, I've had external forces that have tested me, whether created by my hand or that of life, and just as it is for Illona, my internal demons will always outweigh the external ones.  I remember when I was in my twenties, and the world felt like a million impossible questions. I found myself looking for the answers and repeatedly failing to figure it out when I only needed to ask to be shown the reality.  Instead, I would ask questions like: when will I arrive? In those days, arrival meant a career. Where is my partner? Why does the world not just give me what I want? I wanted immediate solutions that came in the form of definitive joy based on jobs, relationships, and the accumulation of money (money I expected to arrive with no requirements). Okay, so not all young people are as clueless as I may have been. Maybe it was just me and had nothing to do with my age (albeit that’s up for debate). I still felt dropped into a world that was disappointing, and I found my way as if I’d lost my sight in a maze.  Reaching out and feeling through whatever was in front of me.  

Now, here I sit, decades later, and I can tell you that I did not get all those things I wished for at 20, but I did get a host of things I’d never even dreamed of, some of which I wish had passed along to someone else. Ah, but there’s the sticky wicket, there’s nothing, let me say that again, nothing in this life of mine that I would give up. Like a little hoarder of moments, I’m keeping all of mine because they are the everything that makes me and the everything that when I listen carefully, sings me the stories that I get to pass along to you and whoever else might be listening out there. So yeah, I won the lottery of me.